Ayame On a Plane
by The Girly Man
Summary: The real reason why those snakes were on that plane... [[OneShot]]


**Please don't get the wrong idea. I totally love that Snakes on a Plane song. I haven't seen the movie, but it looks totally stupid in my opinion. So I just wrote this randomly. Please don't hate. -ducks as tomatoes are thrown-**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN, AM NOT RELATED TO, AND HAVEN'T MET PETE WENTZ, HARRY POTTER, WILLIAM BECKETT, GYM CLASS HEROES DUDE, THAT GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE A MAN, ANYONE ELSE MENTIONED IN THE STORY, OR SAMUEL L. JACKSON. I DID NOT WRITE THE SONG 'SNAKES ON A PLANE (BRING IT)'. I AM NOT A MEMBER OF COBRA STARSHIP. I DO NOT OWN FRUITS BASKET OR TOKYO OR EVEN LITHUANIA. I LOVE PETE WENTZ AND WILLIAM BECKETT, BY THE WAY.**

**That should be enough to keep me safe **

**---**

**Ayame on a Plane: The Real Reason Why Those Snakes Were On That Plane**

One fine day, Ayame Sohma had a grand idea!

"I have a grand idea!" He told Shigure Sohma, his bestest friend in the whole wide world.

"WHAT?" Gure-san asked, barely able to contain his excitement.

"How about we take a PLANE RIDE to AMERICA?" Ayame suggested.

"YEAH!" Shigure squealed. He thought this was a fabulous idea, as opposed to Ayame's PREVIOUS grand ideas.

_**FANCY FLASHBACK SEQUENCE!**_

"Hey Shigure, I have a grand idea!" 13 year old Ayame told 13 year old Shigure. "How about we jump in front of speeding cars and see if we can jump back in time?"

"Okay! I'll go first!"

_**LATER…**_

"It's okay, Shigure! As soon as your body cast comes off, you'll be as good as new!"

-

"Hey, Gure-san! I have a grand idea!" 21 year old Ayame told 21 year old Shigure. "How about we urinate in a cup and give it to Isuzu-chan, telling her it's apple juice?"

"Okay!"

_**Later…**_

"Isuzu-chan, would you like some apple juice?"

"That's not apple juice, dickwad, that's piss!"

_Kick._

"It's okay, Gure-san. At least she didn't kick you in the—"

_Kick._

"Oops! Spoke too soon!"

_**FANCY PRESENT TIME SEQUENCE!**_

"Let's go!" Shigure cheered, because NOTHING could go wrong on a PLANE.

_**A FEW HOURS LATER…**_

"Isn't this great, Gure-san? Just you, me, and random strangers we don't know!" Ayame cheered once they were boarding the plane.

What they DIDN'T know though, was that the Herpetologist Convention Committee of Germany had just gotten off of the plane they were currently boarding, and since Ayame is the SNAKE, the Committee's snakes were attracted to him, NATURALLY. Multiple venomous snakes snuck out of the suitcases they had been shoved into earlier and slithered into the robes of Ayame, Shigure, and Harry Potter. Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy was the only one who noticed, but he was too busy using the pay phone inside the air port to do anything about it. Why was he in Tokyo, you ask?

I have no idea.

Gure-san and Aya-san boarded the plane, obviously. Ayame sat down next to Shigure and a guy who would have been hot if he didn't look so much like a girl. If you hadn't guessed already, it was William Beckett from The Academy Is…. On the other side of Shigure was a lady who looked like a man, otherwise known as…? I don't know. I have no idea who that manly girl from the video is, but she was singing "OH, I'M READY FOR IT, COME ON BRING IT," over and over again because that's all she EVER does. Besides taking off her jacket so the crazy guy checking packages can look at her plastic boobs, of course.

As the plane took off, Ayame laughed whole-heartedly, Shigure had a bad feeling about the whole thing, some naked people made out in the back of the plane, and that dude who sings most of the _Snakes on a Plane_ song screamed something about cheap champagne. All while these very important events were happening on the plane called Cobra Starship (haha) even though it was neither a star nor a ship, the snakes in everyone who had snakes in their robes got kinda restless. They slithered out into the aisle simultaneously.

"AHH!" People who noticed screamed.

"Look, Gure-san! Snakes!" Ayame squealed in delight, clapping his hands.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the snakes are slithering," the guy from Gym Class Heroes said. He had been sitting in front of them the whole time, but I failed to mention that earlier. Why?

Well… because Gym Class Heroes suck.

"SNAKES ON A PLANE! COME ON BRING IT!" Manly Girl yelled, standing up and pointing her shot gun at them. How she got that shotgun on that Cobra Starship I have no idea, but then again… WHO THE HELL CARES?

"Calm down," Samuel L. Jackson said half-heartedly. He only had to say something because he's the only one who's actually in the movie.

The snakes thought it was pretty funny because they had caused so much ruckus. They decided to bite people right then. Harry Potter was about to tell them to stop in Parseltongue before he got bit and died. Just like that. Took like two seconds. Because Harry Potter is secretly a weenie and refuses to use his magic outside of school.

Everyone screamed because Harry Potter died before the 7th book was released and almost forgot about the snakes until William started wailing his part of the song, which is the only good part in that entire mess of words and chords.

"_So kiss me good BYEEEEEEE, honey I'm gonna make it out ALIVEEEEEEE, so kiss me good BYEEEEEEE, I can see the venom in their EYEEEESSSSSS…"_

"Look, Gure-san, that girly man (no pun intended) is serenading us!" Ayame giggled, clapping his hands.

"_So kiss me good BYEEEEEEE, honey I'm gonna make it out ALIVEEEEEEE, so kiss me good BYEEEEEEE, I can see the venom in their EYEEEESSSSSS…"_

William was about to belt out another round of the chorus before the girl that was more manly than he pointed her shotgun at him and he shut up. He may sing the only good part of that song, but that doesn't mean we want to hear it fifty bobzillion times in 3 minutes and 19 seconds.

"What a wonderful show!" Shigure smiled obliviously, eating some of those packages of peanuts airports buy by the bulk and charge you more than necessary for.

"I wonder how they got so many good actors!" Ayame wondered thoughtfully as he pushed a dead guy off of his lap.

"I wonder where they got the snakes," Shigure said as multiple snakes slid onto Ayame's lap.

"SO KISS ME GOOD BYEEEEEEE!" William wailed when nobody was paying attention. He was sucked into a black hole that formed under his chair right then. Don't worry, he was safe. He landed in Lithuania. Whoever he wanted to kiss him good BYEEEEEEE wasn't safe though, because by that time, most everyone on Cobra Starship was dead.

"I suggest you grab your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye," The Gym Class Heroes Guy told Ayame and Shigure, then grabbed an emergency parachute and jumped out the window.

"I'M READY FOR IT! COME ON BRING IT!" Manly Girl yelled, shooting the heads off of some evil snakes that were wrapped around her legs.

THEN, Samuel L. Jackson stood up at the front of the plane and spoke. "That's IT!" he started the line that made the movie rated R. You know, the line you've been waiting for since every Fueled By Ramen artist in that song has said their part? "I've HAD it with these mother f.ucking snakes on this mother f.ucking plane!"

Way to be LATE, Sam. Everyone's already DEAD or in LITHUANIA.

What was the pilot doing the whole time? He was probably eating a sandwich, laughing at everyone who died on his plane in his safe little control room. LAND THE PLANE, BITCH!

"NOOOOO!" Ayame yelled at Samuel L. Jackson, who had just pulled out a large gun. "DANT HORT MI FFFFFRENDZ!" He yelled in bad English. Or maybe it was German.

"I have HAD it with these mother f.ucking snakes on this mother f.ucking plane!" Samuel L. Jackson yelled again, blasting the heads off of our buddies because he hadn't understood a word Ayame had said.

Before all the snakes were dead, the plane exploded! Just kidding. It hit the ground and THEN it exploded. Everyone who wasn't already dead died. Yes, even Ayame and Shigure. The only one who survived was William Beckett because he was in Lithuania, remember? Gym Class Heroes Guy might have survived but he realized two seconds before he hit the ground that he didn't know how to work a parachute.

"HAHA! WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW, BITCH?" Pete Wentz yelled into the rubble, because this whole problem could have been averted if he would've done something about it. But NO. He was too bust NOT talking on the pay phone and being a bass player to save fictional characters and fellow Fueled By Ramen artists.


End file.
